He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
