I wish my penis had an off switch
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
