Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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