saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
