It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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