I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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