How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
