My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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