Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
