I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
