"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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