You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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