Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
