She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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