peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
we should paint friendship bongs
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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