They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
