She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
