someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
