well I can't set my house on fire every night
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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