chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
BRING THE BAGELS
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
