just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
