The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
