ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
