I think I died a long time ago.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
