dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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