He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
