i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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