remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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