yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i already hear my dad disowning me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
