Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
