Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
