First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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