i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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