The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
