I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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