I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
