2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
