I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
