it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
