apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
