I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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