I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
