I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
