I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
