I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
