I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
