Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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