The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
