Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
