OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
