sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
