I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
